//A wristpad full of journals

Discussion in 'Diaries & Captain's Logs' started by Alias, Apr 11, 2018.

  1. Alias

    Alias New Arrival

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    //The beaten and nearly defunct piece of tech hums to life on inspection, a neon blue UI displaying an extremely basic menu. The "logs" section draws the curious, an array of dated entries available to be opened. Most of the early ones are completely incoherent, the earliest readable one being titled simply "850406"//

    [Initializing…]
    [Please enter username.]
    >Bllue
    [Error. User not found.]
    [Please enter username.]
    >Blue
    [Please enter password.]
    >*********
    [Incorrect password.]
    [Please enter password (1/3)]
    >*******
    [Please enter action.]
    >Create
    [Incorrect syntax. Usage: Create <?> (textlog) (audiolog) (vidlog) (user)]
    >Create textlog
    [Creating…]

    lemonade. i icried over lemonade today, and i couldn’t even siay why. maybe because it tbrought back such old memwories. old memories, iold faces. i still miss them, every onee of themo, i wish they were here. i don’t know why i’m bhteoring with logs again, fi’ll either delete them or losqe them again. judst like my damn photos. everything disappears with time except for scars, damn fit. damn everything. i can already tell that these will just be full of rambling, but i guess that works. i can’t exavctly talk out my feelings with anyone. ha. fuck mme.

    first log on thsi thing, woohuoo. give me a miedal or something. speaking of log,s if you’re reading this you’re either me, someone i trusted until right now – however few of you there are, or i’m dead. seems more and more likely all the tim,e that last one. i’d be lying if li said it didn’t terrify me. so many infesteddaround now.

    coming back was ia mistake. but i can’t exactly go anywhere else can i? stupid. i’m stupid, this bunker is stupind, i hate it i hate being alone it hurts. can’t trust myself with a pet. ei’d probably spazz and hurt it and i couldn’t live with myself. not aqgain.

    no, i’m clean now, i caxn handle it. i nonly wake up in terrors sometimes. ii could get a dog. a cat? something that can take care of ittself. if i die. if i don’t come back. tlike everyone else.

    i miss wmy fdriends. i want to move o.n my memory’s so bad now, it was nevegr good but now i can’t remember my owbn name sometimes. im’ scared. if i lose my list, i’ll forget thrie names. i can’t even remembwer what some of them looked like. maybe i shoould fourget, move on. no, not move on. stop mourning. i’ve made pa few new friends? maybe they’rll stay alive. maybe ill’ die first.

    i cn’t bury anyone else.

    >End log
    [Enter filename]
    >Log 850406
     
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  2. Alias

    Alias New Arrival

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    [Initializing…]
    [Please enter username.]
    >Blue
    [Please enter password.]
    >*******
    [Please enter action.]
    >Create textlog
    [Creating…]


    Pride. The things that happen bvecause of fucking pride. Misha got her brains blown out… god, years ago. Funny that all I can remember is hre name and those seconds, nothing else. We were good friends. “The cash and the phones, now, or I’ll fucking paint the wall with your brains.” and we did. “The shoes too.” and she says “fucking make me.” Bang.

    I’m surprised I remmember it so clearly. I fucked uop my head with drugs not long aftre, and I only got clean, for good this time, recently. It is for good this time. No matrter wghat. I may as well put the gun in my moiuth then. I won’t pput my friends throughg that. I won’t judst die on them.

    Idiot.

    THatt’s what I”m doing zanyawy. it’s whyI signed yup gfor this thsing, this… order.An orphanage, dogni good ikn the galaxy; righting wrongsf, saving cjhildren from fucked up places. yeah rihgt. yOu’re a coawrd blue. you pickepd a cause you thought might be whtro dying for, something that owuld maoke them remember you as a hero anxd not the STUPID BITCH yoiu are. YoRue’ a li,ar and A COEWARDD, AMD A a bibgot, you shoulmd have died yrearse ago but you’re too damn sdcared! And wbhat thme hell are you mdoing now? bBuilding up hpoes ni people, beingn ice to thgem, hopnig someaone tyou make friends with will actually stick arobund anjd for what? yo’rue just trying to gwo off and die some way that peopzle will oremember yuo. well yfuck wyou. yoqu caun change eertvyhing buxt what you aree. but oyu knowe. Iknow. nothing is going to change.

    Jjust have to see whto dies nexdt and hoipe it’s you.

    >End log
    [Enter filename]
    >Log 850411
     
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  3. Alias

    Alias New Arrival

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    [Initializing…]
    [Please enter username.]
    >Blue
    [Please enter password.]
    >*******
    [Please enter action.]
    >Create textlog
    [Creating…]

    Ive’ bjeen wondering something for a while no.w Is there an afterlife? is there as god, or gods, or qwhatever the fuck passes for one? if there is, this is a message

    You have some fucking sense of hmumor yoiu omniporettn bastard.

    I was alone for a reasobn! that man, whoever he was, was nice company. quiet qas I am. Thfen – no, i won’t complain, it’s always niec to see a ifrend. but then the crowd came and it, no, I started to feel crowded. No udh you pfucking moron that’s what a crowd *does. you stupid slef pitying bitch.

    Belle wanted to do the shooting competetion thren. I should’ve saud no. whatever, i didn’t, afnd – right. that hyto. i don’t know if yi hate them for what tvhey said or ebecause they were right. some maksnrma i amo, can’t even throw a can five meters into a bin. Belle’s much bettyer than I am. maybe at my hbest i could have matched her, maybe when i was doing pistol driolls every other day, but not now. probably not again if thesie shakes keep going.

    I think they might even be gettign worse. my head aches more often now, i think thers’e ca problem with my old implant. a new promblem i mean, not that it doesn’t fucking work. that means i have to pick a doctor. and be unconciene. uncontsatn. fuck it i know whart i mwan. the atlas doctors wmree nice, but.. I”ve heard rumors. Can you trust tehm Blue? I don’t know, can i?

    What am i typing, where am i giong with this?

    Shooting competition.

    Belle ywas great, I – well I hit the aertgt at least. good to know uI can still hit something less hthan ten meters away, you shaking wreck of trash heap fuc.k nothing feels rigt,h my gaun sits weird in my hand, and now you’re making excuses. bad excuses.

    No. i just need to stop shaking, uand put ibn some time at the range. yeah. that’s probably it.

    I need money. I need to put myself togeher.t that’s my goal. stop getting off track.

    I met someone else, she signs. Phonesha. Phonica? HhhhhHHHH WHY CAN’T I SPELL. STUPID STUPID IDIOT. Anyway she signs! And uses a plamsa riflle. Plasma. Rifle. Learn. To. Spell. Put me on esge. Then talking… she’s between jobds. Jobs. I can relate. They got to talking and the topic went to relying on family… Family. Heh. Ahe, hahahaha. I don’t even know if I want to talk about it with myself.

    I miss my girls. Do they miss me? Does it matter? I’m all but dead to them. One of them is off on her own, she’s married now, and the other… she probably doesn’t even remember me. It’s for the best blue. You’re a terrible mother. You can’t even tajke care of yourself.

    Is that all I do? I just pity mmyself. What about all the harm I’m doing to people around me? I get so angry sometimes, or confuswed. I almost hit that tri… stop. Stop doing that, stop throwing around those slurs. You’re better than that. For fucks sake you have hylotl friendds, how would they feel? I almost hit that hylotl. Not the first time… I almost stabbed my frirend, remember? She let me have a place to stay and I repaid it by trying to fucking murder her. I don’tt know if I can ever forgive myself for that. Even confised…. No. No more pity, stop dsredging up the past. Move forward. Be better. I’m going to trry.

    >End log
    [Enter filename]
    >Log 850413
     
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  4. Alias

    Alias New Arrival

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    [Initializing…]
    [Please enter username.]
    >Blue
    [Please enter password.]
    >*******
    [Please enter action.]
    >Create textlog
    [Creating…]
    Quet. Quet? Quiet. I’ve been keeoping quiet. Not that way, I mean to myself. I’ve been staying at my place. Taking care of my pl;ants. They’re not so bad when they aren’t tryuing to kill you.

    Belle canme over and helped me clean up, it feels so much niver. Niceer. Fuck it. Actually got me a mirror, wanted to get me rufgs for the concrete. I said no of coourse. I don’t want to step on her toes. But we spent some time cleaning after I cooked, and acfter… right.

    You cried your eyes out, remember? It was just a song. But she sang it so wel;. Just, everytghing. Sstop neing such a sadsack, move on, positivity remember? Stop moping about your vopivve VOICE. Can’t even spell vcoice. Stay positive.

    Hey, she liked your coojking. Mo,m’s hybrids finally working for good. I shouldf think about what she said, cooking sells out here,. Ha, maybe I could go tto cul… food school. But me and knifes don’t mix. No. That’s not rihgt. Knives and I? I think. I hhate my – no. positive. I could give it a job. Try. Words. It’s all jjust words. Words wrodds wprds. What do ywords mean? wHat’s the point? No. bnap. figure it out ttomorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
    //The letters repeat for several pages.//
    [Low battery!]
    [Critical battery!]
    [Saving work as log: 850418]
    [Shutting down...]
     
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  5. Alias

    Alias New Arrival

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    [Initializing…]
    [Please enter username.]
    >Blue
    [Please enter password.]
    >*******
    [Please enter action.]
    >Create textlog
    [Creating…]
    losing track od time in tedious day tod ay chores. Hvan’t been tmessaging people as often as I should. Probably for the best with my rtack record. People I’m close to end up hurt, though it thankfully hasn’t happened yet/. Gotta write this all out before I forget it, everything is so disjointed. Tall dark and scarf-y came over for a visit and brought bread, very thoughtful. It was good, the company, the food too. I’m surprised at how over time I got so secluded again.

    You should message Belle again, it’s been a little while. Maybe. No, I should. I should.

    I’m worried about my implant. Sti;; broken and my head is hurting more often than it isn’t now, my memory’s gotten worde. Talked about getting it fixed with Xex. Fuck. Can’t rremember her full name right now. Can’t rember what ha[[ened after we left the hot spring either. I think we takled about getting my implant ficed? What happened first though, I think we went for a walk, then to the spring, then ate? No we didn’t, that was someone else. God my head is killing me. I need it fixed soon, but i’m too fucking afraid to be

    fuck it, “not awakw” with a dr poking aroumd in my head. Scary to think about being defenseless like that. I think I asked people to stay with me while I had it done though. Did I ask two people? Archer and Xex? I dont’ know.

    Been trying some target practice though, remember inviting Belle over to shoot rifles. Should do that soon. I’m getting better! I might be as good as I used to be thouhg it is going to take a while.

    To do-

    Msg Belle

    talkt o Atlas drs.

    Go shooting w/Belle

    Find that synthesizer necklace / get one like the one Viv had. That should help with getting a voice back.

    Maybe I should get something nice for myself too, or eat out or something. Cooking all the time is getting tedious.


    OH I FORGOT
    being given a second chance. I might be able to make up for satbbing her – no, almost stabbing. Stabbed myself instead like a idiot. But I need to be on my best. Soon. Fix my implant very verr soon.

    >End log
    [Enter filename]
    >Log 850413
     
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  6. Alias

    Alias New Arrival

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    [Initializing…]
    [Please enter username.]
    >Blue
    [Please enter password.]
    >*******
    [Please enter action.]
    >Create textlog
    [Creating…]

    Sittitting in the Atlas waiti – not the waitig roomit’s adifferent room. This gown is cold/. getting surgeyr to fix my impnt soon. It’s really busy though so I need to wati but that;s ok. I have some messages typed up and ready to sennnd to people. Kind of scared right nw. I shound ave come alone. It was stipid.

    Should be able to tlak aftr this though, I got a necklce that can synnthetize voisounds.

    Gofd my head hurts. Waana go home.

    I need to stay and get fixesd. The dr said it would be a while, maube I should sleep. Get some rest befor e everything.

    >End log
    [Enter filename]
    >Log 850519
     
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  7. Alias

    Alias New Arrival

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    There's another folder here - audio logs. They play automatically in sequence, one snippet after another, all saved with only the date and time of creation.
    I've had it. I'm fed up with the constant killing and violence and those god damn shifters. I quit! I'm safe here. This bunker has everything I'd need to live several lifetimes, a workshop, a lab, and a couple boxes full of books. I just need to get the hydroponics system finished and I won't have to go out into that hell for groceries anymore.
    ...
    Update: the hydroponics are done! I'm already starting to work on growing the basics - plenty of potatoes, leafy greens, a whole variety! Things are coming together nicely. In a little while I'll be able to let things run themselves! Good thing, too. I'm doing one last thing before I stop going out into the fringe. Fixing my voice! Really fixing, not just this dumb necklace.
    ...
    I'm not too fond of the synthesized tone on the edge of my voice. I know I can reduce it when my vocal cords start to get used to making sounds again, but that's probably a while off. Still! I didn't expect to be this happy to talk again! Belle is going to be so surprised when she visits!
    ...
    I'm starting to settle into a routine. Not that that's bad! I'm doing everything I should be. I wake up at 6am and shower. At half past I go make breakfast with either bliny or semolina. At around 7 it's time to start checking the hydroponics and make sure nothing is diseased or rotting, then I go do a walk around the outside to see what needs to be fixed. Once a week I stay inside instead and fix up my arm and leg though. By then it's usually time for lunch, usually I just make something with rice. Once I finish washing up I'll sit down with a book - I'm only thirteen chapters into "My brother-in-law's brother is my beloved" but it's starting to get really good. And then I spend some time in the workshop! Messing with the haptics in my limbs, adjusting their power draw, and seeing what I can take in or out to keep it the same weight as my other arm. When I start to get hungry again I'll whip something up and then while it's cooking I'll make a dessert. I don't actually eat much of it usually, but that's fine! It just means I have something nice on the days Belle stops by.
    ...
    It's been a few weeks since my little isolation started. So far so good! The mornings are getting a little colder, so I've started checking the hydroponics before breakfast. The heater in there is a little old and sometimes the pipes start to fill with slush. Nothing bad enough to break the system, but I'm going to fix it tomorrow. Wait, not tomorrow. Belle usually comes by around this time of the week, when she does stop by that is. In two or three days, then! I wish I'd gotten to it sooner though. I don't think the citrus fruits are doing well with the temperature.
    ...
    There’s a gap in the recordings with a few corrupted files - it looks like a span of around two or three months.
    ...
    The oranges finally died. I managed to save some of the others at least! On top of that, I noticed that the plants were diseased anyway and the chill kept it from spreading, so... silver linings! I'm finding it easier to look at positives in here, now that I'm not afraid for my life on a regular basis, or worse! It's funny, really. I kind of miss some things, but being able to walk around without my armor on is really liberating! I haven't pulled it off the rack in weeks and I don't regret it. Uh... I fixed the heater, and the nexus link. It's enough to let me message people, not that I have anyone to message. Belle already comes by, and it's nicer to talk face to face than send things over the nexus. Everyone else is... Well, they're gone. They're all gone.
    ...
    I'm not really keeping track of time anymore. It just... doesn't seem important. Things are running like clockwork around here, so I've taken to disassembling the machinery around the bunker and puzzling it back together. It's so satisfying, when things just click in place and it works again! Lately I've been working on patching up the heat dispersal system so the bunker is better hidden, I spotted that the thermals were getting into visible levels. It's such a complicated puzzle, but I'm working it out! On top of that I'm done working on my shell for when I eventually update my arm!
    ...
    Well, just my luck. A tiny meteorite smacked right into the nexus link. I'm not too broken up about it, since I never used it, but it's trashed to the point I wouldn't even bother trying to fix it. I'd definitely try harder if there were more people to message, but... They're all dead. Everyone but Belle. Dead, or gone far enough I won't see them again.
    ...
    The books aren’t really holding my interest anymore. I can already tell that I’m starting to lose it, a little. Working keeps me grounded, at least. The lab, my workshop, both of those still make sense. I’m not as intuitive with the chemicals, I have to sit down and do the calculations. It’s… boring. But the work makes sure I’m sane at least. Ha! Small mercies.
    ...
    Belle came by again today. It was nice! I didn’t realize I needed to talk to someone so much. I found myself just talking and talking – babbling, almost. She was polite! I knew I was talking too much, but it was so nice to have someone listening. I might… I might just talk out loud, just to get it out of my system before her visits.
    ...
    I’ve used stuff like this before you know. Have you heard of “rubberducking?” It’s when you explain a concept you’re struggling with to an outside observer – but in the absence of one, you substitute a prop. Well, I don’t have a rubber duck, so talking out loud will have to do. Life is… completely, unbearably boring. Yesterday I got so frustrated I put down my book, got up, and completely dismantled the toaster, named all the parts and checked against the manual, put it together, and then I did the same thing with half the other appliances. It was so thrilling to do something I completely forgot to eat – or sleep. I woke up when my alarm went off, sitting in the middle of what I think is supposed to be a prosthetic hand made entirely from silverware. It was…. Incredibly worrying. I think… I think I should stick to the schedule, from now on. It’ll be something constant that I can use as a form of grounding.
    ...
    I’m starting to get worried, it’s been over two weeks since Belle came by. If my fucking nexus link weren’t smashed I’d probably be sending messages anywhere I could to see if she’s okay. It’s gotten even colder outside, and when I tried to go use the teleporter to physically look the keypad was iced over. I’m suiting up in my armor, hopefully the torch still has fuel.
    ...
    Stupid! God damn stupid FUCKING idiot, I melted the keys together trying to get the ice off. And now, now I can’t even go out and see if- if she’s…
    The log deteriorates into tearful sniffing, ending in sobs.
    ...
    It’s been… about five days now. Since my last recording. I’m starting to realize just… just how alone I am right now. The snow is piling up in the valley, I’m nearly snowed in completely. Not that it matters. I can’t even bear to go in the front room anymore. I spent… god, hours, just looking at the mural. Just… thinking. Belle was my last tie to the outside world, and she’s… either hurt, dead, or left. I’m not sure which is worse. No, no, that’s not true. I hope she’s okay, or will be okay. But, no matter why it is, she’s not here, and now I’m… alone! With my thoughts. Fuck me.
    ...
    It’s been dead quiet for a few days now. I barely recognized my own voice when I started the last version of this log. I didn’t bother keeping it. The snow let up a little, so I went out to check the keypad. I really fucked it up, and there’s no replacements ready made. I think I can hack up some old tech for keys and cobble something together, but it was still a stupid mistake. I was just worried, and I wasn’t thinking. Fuck. And now I’m seeing things, I think. Shadows moving around corners, doors opening when they shouldn’t. I thought I saw Misha walking in the hall once, too. The waves on the mural moving. I can’t stay here but I can’t leave! I don’t even want to leave. I just don’t want to be alone.
    ...
    I don’t know how long it’s been since I recorded something. It’s like time just… isn’t real anymore. Deja vu… did I say this before? No time, no nothing, just me and Zip! I got him at the Zephyr festival, a… few months ago, I think? God, that’s weird to think about. Has it already been months? It barely feels like time’s gone by. I wish I had a calendar now, actually. Where was I? Zip. This cute little plush I got, that day I went to the… to the festival, with…. With Belle. It’s been a long time since she visited. Talking helps. About what? Nothing, nothing at all. Just talking out loud. To myself, mostly. I’d talk to Zip, but that’d be silly. I think you only talk to things once you’re completely crazy. I – what? No, talking to myself isn’t insane. Lots of people do it. When you walk by yourself, or – well, when you’re alone. Wait, I think I heard the door. Hello? Helloooo?! Who’s there? . . . Anyone?
    ...
    Desperation tints the rushed torrent of words, but they’re plainly being spoken in a cheerful tone.
    I can’t stand it, I can’t, I keep hearing the door and it sends jolts of hope through my chest and I just get so happy and then I look and it’s never true! After the last time I just, just felt something break. And now I – I don’t want to stop that smile I had when I got up to go check. I’m afraid, afraid I’ll forget how.
    There’s a mirthless, derisive laugh.
    Stupid. Buuuut, I can’t deny that I’m feeling a little better since I started keeping this up! It’s a lie, a little lie. You know? Smiling means you’re happy. Maybe if I do it enough, I’ll believe it? It can’t really hurt, and at this point I’d… I’d do anything.
    ...
    After 49 minutes of silence and distant sounds, there can be heard distant singing to the tune of an old folk song. It describes every single piece comprising the makeup of Blue’s cybernetics, down to individual fasteners. Following the song there’s indistinct sounds of conversation, rattles of metal components, and footsteps.
    I’m going out to fix the teleporter, be back soon!
    Upbeat humming grows near, then fades into the distance as the source moves out of earshot.
    ...
    Have you ever looked up at the stars? Really looked, not just for a couple minutes. They’re beautiful, and there’s so many. But when you think about it, how far apart are all of them? Millions and millions of miles at least! I was outside last night for… gosh, probably hours. Just looking up. I wonder if there was anyone else looking at the same stars. Is there anyone else? Maybe the shifters came back and everyone’s dead. Maybe the Ruin decided Earth wasn’t enough. Who knows! Not me!
    There’s a bubbly laugh, going on for longer than is strictly necessary, or comfortable to hear.
    I completely forgot that I was supposed to be fixing the teleporter! But, the schedule is important! It’s almost six am, and then I can wake up and go check the hydroponics. I’ll fix this after breakfast!
    ...
    Blue hums a jaunty tune, with the sounds of something mechanical being tinkered with in the background.
    The leg bone’s connected to the, type sixty-two mechanical prosthetic housing! The type sixty-two mechanical prosthetic housing is connected to the -… it doesn’t flow right! Fuck! Ooh, wait, I think… there!
    A whirr of machinery coming to life is immediately followed by an unhinged giggle, the woman plainly giddy. As the fit comes to a stop, the telltale sound of an incoming teleport drowns out the last stifled laughs.
    Belle! I did it, I fixed my teleporter! Now I can go look fo-r-… BELLE! You’re okay!
    Whatever recording device is being used, it impacts something hard, skitters across it, and tumbles to a stop. Muted sounds of elated conversation make their way onto the recording, the voices fading indistinctly before long. The recording continues for a few hours, only picking up audio near the end. Another sound of teleportation is heard, followed by a couple scraps of Blue’s voice and a laugh before the recording ends.

    Hello again!! I bet you thought I forgot about making recordings, didn’t you? Well I didn’t! I’ve just been so busy lately! Belle came back! She got hurt, someone… someone really hurt her. It made me mad, really mad, but I was so happy that she was alive, that she came back, it was hard to keep from smiling the whole time she was here. I guess I didn’t forget how after all, haha! What was- right. She’s in a wheelchair right now. Her back was broken, but she’s actually recovering! I offered her my help but she didn’t want it – not that I can blame her! She’ll probably eventually get use of her legs back, and it’s hard to heal from a full cybernetic augmentation. I think I’ll make something nice for her, next time she comes by. Maybe my old – old family recipe! The declaration is stumbled, Blue catching something from slipping. She lets out a giggled laugh, the audio suffering from a faint doppler effect for a moment. Syrniki. It’s perfect! She’ll love it! Oh, I’ll start working on it now!

    Distant singing can be heard, a few bars of a folk tune in an old earth language before the audio registers to the device.
    Translating...

    Alexandra! Alexandra, it is ours
    This lovely city!
    It’s become our fated journey!
    Let us gaze into it’s face!
    Oh, whatever happened, happened
    Let this place our sorrows dampen!
    It becomes us to be happy, at the place called garden ring!

    Indistinct speech is followed by laughter, trailing off into the distance.

    Just as good as I remember! I almost even took them out to her! But, haha, I- hahahaha! Ahh, I couldn’t! I got to the teleporter and froze. How can I say I’m alone if I won’t even, haha, go out and try to talk to anyone? It’s funny! A funny girl in a little funny bunker in a little funny corner of the galaxy so why aren’t I laughing? Maybe it isn’t really funny. Maybe the funny part is that I’m going to go out and everything will be fine and everyone will be back! And-and I’ll have just, ha, hahaha- h-hahahahaha!
    Further, wild laughter continues for several minutes, eventually quieting into sobs.

    I’m not questioning if I’m sane anymore! I’m very sure I’m not, actually, because if I were I wouldn’t have asked myself the question! My own little diary for my own little descent into insanity! Insanity, obscurity, insecurity, absurdity, all of the above and more~! I heard someone screaming the other day, and imagine my surprise when I checked the security cameras and it was me. There’s a deranged giggle. Crazy, right? Belle’s started to say I should go out in public again. I think she’s right, I just, I just need a little bit. I’ve been around long enough, at least, to know that if I’m going to go out and talk to people I need to be able to pretend to be sane! Maybe Zip can help me practice.

    There’s a snippet of about 10 minutes with Blue saying “Hello” with different levels of enthusiasm, tone, and volume. After the first 30 seconds it becomes unnerving.

    Hello! How are you? . . Oh, that’s good! . . No, no thank you, I don’t drink much – no, no, no! The bar is the only place people go, you have to drink at least a little bit! Even if I would rather have juice or hot cocoa. Try it again. Hello! How are you? Oh, that’s good! Sure! I’d love to try a drink!

    Coaching myself back to sanity is… hard. It’s always a step forward a step back – like a dance! If I force myself to act completely sane all the time I’ll probably just go crazy again. Double crazy? If you go double crazy do you just go sane again? Whatever! I just have to try! The last time Belle came over she looked sad. She said it was nothing, but I think it might have been me. I sat down and thought about it for a while – I have a lot of time to think. I don’t think I could watch her deteriorate alone, not without dragging her someplace outside – someplace safe! With… with friends… I need to go out and make new ones.

    Okay! Let’s see… concussion pistol, check. Knife, check. Flashbang, double check! Credits… where did I leave them? Fine, no credits, where did I – no, no. Osi? Do they still use osi? Whatever! I’ll just not take any money. If I need anything then I can just figure something out!
    Blue laughs, a wild, manic sound.
    Armor… fuck it! If she dies, she dies! Here goes!
    [There’s a shorter, barked laugh, and the sound of an activating teleporter.]
     
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