Penumbra Zone

Discussion in 'Diaries & Captain's Logs' started by Penumbra Pioneer, Jun 3, 2018.

  1. Penumbra Pioneer

    Penumbra Pioneer New Arrival

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    Is this Old Hubert's
    Some people are nuts. They will shoot you without a warning - or even a good reason. I don't want to die anymore, damn it. It's getting worse.
    She was supposed to be my future, a piston pushing forward - she stopped.
    He swore to protect me - he stabbed me in the back.
    I will forge my confidence in carbon steel.

    No one called
    Everything is where I left it
    Nothing has changed
    All in order

    I haven't spoken a word in days
    Except for cursing the leaking pneumatics

    A bed all alone in the room
    An empty space where a table should be
    Some flowers on the wall
    A bathroom mirror covered in spit

    My desire was to make this a nice place to live
    And I have failed - as I wanted to fill this dead empty space with a life

    All this time on my hands
    And I have nowhere to go
    Haunted by the duties of solitary life
     
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  2. Penumbra Pioneer

    Penumbra Pioneer New Arrival

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    A world without you
    So this is it, finally. At this point I relax while working; rest is tormenting me with thoughts of past. But there's nothing else to think about.
    I tell myself that there's no need to care about opinions of people who hurt me - I have proven them wrong in many ways and yet they still blindly repeat the same arguments, stating how stubborn and dense I am. As if stabbing me was my fault.
    Only self-discipline will undo the twists and raise you patient, brave and loving. And you will be rewarded.
    Might and glory to the heroes.

    A subterranean thrust
    Of the the morning star seed
    Behold as she once again gives birth
    Behold as she once again destroys

    Behold the howling winds
    Behold the ardent wife
    Her glamor can gap your heart
    Her eye can burn the fields
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2020
  3. Penumbra Pioneer

    Penumbra Pioneer New Arrival

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    Chest full of my life
    So I've been going through the old stuff today. It always helps. My mom's sunglasses are still there - so aversion to light must be a family thing, I guess. And my ID card. I regret scratching the info so much; I was so paranoid. There are also my first welding goggles - one lens fell out. Oh, the irony. And my first bike keys.. Almost as if from another world. Empty monopus plushie bag, still smells of my dad. At least I think so. The radiation band - the red is slowly fading. Picture of me when I was little - not much different. Except the smile. Packet of protoweiss seeds - you would never expect flowers to look like that. Must plant it somewhere at new home. Dad's toolbox - solid but rusty stuff. I remember when I once bolted and riveted bunch of flattened soda and beer cans together. Mom wasn't amused.
    And there's bunch of items I remember nothing about.
    Yet.

    But what will they mean, after I'm gone?
     
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  4. Penumbra Pioneer

    Penumbra Pioneer New Arrival

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    Grind the lusnium
    Off to a slow start. Still got some savings to pay the clients with, but I should start making some money soon. And I will. This can only grow.
    As for personal life.. It feels so bad when you can't be with someone you love. Or loved. It feels like dying, like being strangled. It's difficult to breathe. What have I done to deserve this? They left me. I loved them with all my heart. And with heart they must suffer. They can never be frogiven.
    Ought they perish at my hand?

    The embers still scorch when you are gone
    My fire will burn, with you or not
    My desire will overpower

    It's a battle I know I will never win
    But it's a battle I will fight for struggle alone
    Brutal Fringe bring me down again
     
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  5. Penumbra Pioneer

    Penumbra Pioneer New Arrival

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    Aus ferner Zeit, die verbrannte Wurzel
    I wonder what people I haven't seen for a bit are doing right now? Clint, Nevada, Adelix, Alyx, Tayveen, Quuma..
    Is it possible to fight yourself out of depression alone? What even is depression? Have I experienced it? I don't think I have. I am completely sure the fun is out there and I can have it. There's just nothing to drive me forward. Perhaps something will come, with time.

    I remember Clop Clop
    So long ago
    So much ago
    The place was cold and I was alone, tasting toxins
    Though I would shudder at your sight
    I would still shatter at your touch
     
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  6. Penumbra Pioneer

    Penumbra Pioneer New Arrival

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    End of winters 3283-3286
    I went silent for months to see who would message me first. No one did. Maybe I just don't know many people? I'd love to meet someone, but I'm afraid. I've been hunted down. I was beaten, shot, tortured. I wake up in the middle of the night, finding out that I pissed myself yet again or that I sleepwalked with the gun between the teeth. No one cares about me. Do I need to deal with that myself?
     
  7. Penumbra Pioneer

    Penumbra Pioneer New Arrival

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    Sweat saves blood
    The lack of families in the Fringe.. Is that why everyone is so eager to risk going to a damn bar and getting shot up? Don't they have anything to lose? It's never too late to change habits. Places like Haven aren't safe either. They're corrupt and unstable. But what do I expect from a place ran by a bunch of idiots. Atlas is no better. Pile of people who talk so fast they don't know what they're talking about. Fake confidence. The heck happened to the Godus folk, by the way?

    Once the stars were the only thing between us
    Today they're all we have in common

    Lesson learned
    Perspective earned


    The wasted time is quern
    Ashes of the past shall be sifted by those who let it burn
     
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  8. Penumbra Pioneer

    Penumbra Pioneer New Arrival

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    Stand fast!
    Recently I got into rather petty conflict with one of my oldest and best friends, whom I potentially owe my life to. During recent years we haven't seen each other much - she works for the titan of degeneracy, I work in an entirely different field. It makes sense that we went different ways.. Though, did our ways part forever? I think that is my decision. I'm not going push anything, perhaps life will bring us together again. I wish her well.
    I used to live in fear and I still do, but.. Over time as I learned to survive, my confidence grew. And as it did so, recently I noticed a habit for bold moves. Big bites of life satisfy the void the beast left in me, and they do so well - I know that overconfidence will probably make me lose more of the few friends I have, but after all, regardless of what anyone says, there's no axiom of ethics. This time I am ready for the consequences. I'm not a coward. I can suffer.
    I've been also digging through the archives I managed to recover from Home. More updates on that soon. If I'm ready to write about that.

    The beast may chase me
    I will lock my eyes with her
    The disease may eat away my bones
    I will replace them with steel rods
    The sentence may be set
    I will never agree with the judge
    The hammer may fall
    And I will thrive under its impact
     
    Cheffy likes this.