The Tactical Attack Elephant, and Why We Need It Poaching is an issue that is recognized worldwide by leaders and ecologists. People go out and kill exotic animals daily, just to make a quick buck. Not only is the death of a beautiful product of nature a shame in of itself and deeply saddening to all of us, but it has more repercussions than what is superficial. The very world itself-- yes, the one we stand on-- suffers. Whenever an elephant’s tusks are taken from its body, whenever a shark’s fin is cut off, the ecosystems they live in lose an integral aspect of their being. The scales are tilted and things will never be the same. An elephant is brought out of the savannah, and a lion won’t get his meal. If a shark is taken out of the ocean, a school of fish will find themselves living a day longer when they really shouldn’t have. Sure, countries in Asia and Africa have their own “reserves,” for animals who are in danger of being poached, but it seems they aren’t doing much. What’s stopping a poacher from just sneaking in? I believe I may have a solution to our plight, the world’s plight, and the plight of these slain animals. The solution? To make these animals unable to be killed. The method? Attach automatic weaponry to these animals that can kill a poacher on sight. Animals will never see another human interrupting their daily lives again. What one first must recognize, and this is something the majority of people agree with, is that we, as humans, are superior beings to animals. We’re smarter, stronger, and have access to weapons such as guns. Doesn’t that seem a little bit unfair? For example, if you fought a shark, one of the world’s most feared animals, you’d probably win because you have a weapon. The shark will hardly leave a scratch. Sharks are used to killing fish and as such have adapted to that, but have historically rarely come into conflict with a human with a weapon of death, so of course they’d lose! If you don’t have the confidence in yourself to believe you could do such a thing or simply don’t have any trust in me, listen to Steve Irwin. Steve Irwin was an Australian crocodile hunter and was a legend among zoologists, people who study animals. It also helps that he fought crocodiles with his bare hands and could smite them with the snap of his fingers, causing all of the dreaded beasts to cower in fear. He, in an observation by ABC, said, “Crocodiles are easy... People are harder. Sometimes they try to be your friend first.” A man who is an expert on animals says that animal killing is easy because people have an inherent advantage. Our advantage, of course, is guns. Poachers abuse these guns to kill animals, even the adorable baby animals that we gawk at on social media, but we can’t just revoke the inherent ability to shoot a gun from these kinds of people, as it would be like stripping away their humanity. Humanity is also a fickle beast, it simply has too much of an affinity for messing with animals that we can’t just trust poachers to stop. That’s why I propose weaponizing animals, it would level the playing field and make it so that animals actually had a fair chance when in combat against a human, so they and their beautiful children won’t get killed but rather slay an assailant in defense. Poachers are terrible people and deserve death, and the weaponization of animals would give them the eternal rest they are in need of. They are these vile, disgusting creatures barely considerable as people. I despise the poachers, for they slay an uncountable amount of animals, which is simply horrifying. On average, it is said that poachers slay about one hundred elephants per day according to the Save the Elephants organization. Elephants have been scientifically proven to experience complex emotions, just like you and me. If that’s the case, then what’s the difference between killing one hundred elephants a day and one hundred people a day? Murderers are already seen as evil criminals and poachers are no different. It should also be stated that poaching is against the law, but how is that supposed to be enforced? I doubt most policemen will be willing to adventure into Africa to find some backwater den of poachers, so the animals who kill poachers will be doing the job of the policemen for them, that being killing criminals. It would also lighten up the population of prisons over time as you can’t quite arrest a poacher who’s already been killed with thirty-seven bullets to the head, and don’t poachers deserve to be killed anyway? Reserves are a method of preserving poached animals, but they are inherently flawed. Everybody has heard about the extinction scares on animals and the downfalls of environments that often follow it. I’ll tell you outright that such concerns are very true and should be taken with the least amount of salt one could possibly have. It’s a very scary thing and poachers are just driving the environments they hunt in to ruin with their practices. However, organizations have risen up to create animal reserves. These animal reserves, I think, aren’t as useful as everyone makes them out to be. Animal reserves, where animals are said to live free and in harmony with people, are asinine. To restrain animals to a certain plot of land with fences and walls isn’t freedom, it’s jail for animals because they’re special. We’re interfering with these animals simply for being different, which is just giving into our human natures. It completely ruins the point. Even PETA, which is an association bent on the preservation and ethical treatment of animals, agrees that animals would rather be in the wild than some fenced-off reserve. My idea, giving animals guns and leaving them to their own devices, would be much less intrusive and allow animals to live in peace and be truly free without having to be monitored and walled in by their human neighbors. Animals are beautiful creatures. They have taught people compassion time and time again, represented in films such as Air Bud, A Dog’s Purpose, A Dog’s Journey, Old Yeller, Marley and Me, Beethoven, All Dogs go to Heaven, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and Where the Red Fern Grows. Even I have been turned to the selfless protection of animals through exposure to these fascinating tales of friendship and only wish the best for the animals of Earth. Poachers, on the other hand, are pure evil, and if you think they’re not so bad, maybe you’re evil too. There simply must be a way to stop them and I think that, while dire, my idea would be one of the most successful. Perhaps violence against animals is incited because they aren’t as “cool,” or “interesting,” as the rest of us. But that’d be remedied immediately with the weaponization of animals because putting a gun on an animal will automatically make them more interesting because guns are already cool on their own. A concern regarding the dangers of such an idea was brought to me by my colleague before I wrote this essay, and it was “What if the animals rise up?” I personally can guarantee that no animals will rebel with their new weapons because they will be so grateful for their guns that they wouldn’t ever attack a human on their own accord ever again. Truly, the path to a utopian, perfect world, would be through my proposal, as many other concerns would be wiped out in the process. Deforestation will be no more, the environment will flourish, and all people of this world will live together peacefully forevermore.
